Articles

Jaiya on LOVE

Love. That elusive thing that we all search for in life. We all desire to love and be loved in return. But what is love really? How does love affect our sexual lives? For some it may enhance a sexual experience for others it is difficult to combine love and sex. There are a wide variety of definitions. To me love is something that is not definable, it is so big, so great, and so intoxicating. I am in love with love.

A teacher told me once that "Love is the conscious placement of attention". I really liked this because I enter into a space of love with each and every person that I come across. This is possible because I place my attention fully on the person who is in front of me. I am able to engage 100% with that person. It is about being in the moment with your beloved, your friend, your business partner. Love happens when you consciously place your attention on something or someone.

"Love is a state of consciousness, not an emotion."- Frank Natale

In the book by Frank Natale entitled Mastering Alive Relationships the author explores love not as an emotional response, but as a state of being. Perhaps love is not something that we do or experience; perhaps it is what we are in essence. Perhaps love is our spiritual connection to everything around us.

"Falling in love you remain a child; rising in love you mature. By and by love becomes not a relationship, it becomes a state of your being. Not that you are in love - now you are love."- OSHO

Take this idea even further. Why do we put limits on who we can and cannot love? Why do we limit our partner to who they can and cannot love? Do we really love or are we just creating safety in relationships through control and jealously? Does love just equal two people or is it much bigger than that? I feel that often we experience a closing down in our relationships. We begin to make rules in order to feel safe. In reality there is no real safety, all you can do is open your heart and love. You have to love, even in the face of fear, being hurt, or feeling embarrassed. We must open up to experience a bigger love on this planet. That does not mean that we go around having sex with everyone. That is another path. But the path to love is about genuinely caring about another human being. The path to love is about stepping through all of our fears and tearing open our hearts in order to experience something so profound it transforms us. It helps us to remember who we really are.

"Love is denied so much- and love is the rarest thing in the world; it should not be denied. If a man can love five persons, he should love five. If a man can love fifty, he should love fifty. If a man can love five hundred, he should love five hundred. Love is so rare that the more you can spread it the better. But there are great tricks- you are forced into a narrow, very narrow, corner. You can love only your wife, you can love only your husband, you can love only this, you can love only that- the conditions are too much. It is as if there was a law that you can breathe only when you are with your wife, you can breathe only when you are with your husband. Than breathing will become impossible! Then you will die, and you will not even be able to breathe while you are with your wife or with your husband. You have to breathe twenty-four hours a day.

BE LOVING." -Osho

I am love and I am also in Love. God it feels so good to love others in such a big way. During my recent dating experiment I found huge love, a love that reminds me about who I am at my core. It has all been so unexpected for me and so fast. Because of my recent hurt over another relationship ending I started to think that love didn't exist, that I was too damaged to be loved or to love in return. But then LOVE came crashing into my life. He showed up in the form of a beautiful man who I can surrender to, who I feel at Home with. Through the love we have shared I am able to open up and spill love out into the world and share it with everyone. I have remembered who I am, which is a huge and tender heart filled to capacity with love to share. At the begining of my new relationship I questioned whether I should tell this person I was feeling love for about the love that I was feeling. Why do we do this? Why do we ever question love and hold it back from another person? So what if it feels like too much too fast. One of my favorite poets (Mary Oliver) says in one of her poems not to listen to the dark shouters Caution and Prudence, but instead to "fall in". I have fallen in. I have fallen into the deep dark well of love and I am swimming it. Would you like to join me? There is plenty for everyone!

Attachment vs. Detachment

Recently, I read a blog about a person who is practicing detachment in his relationships. As I pondered this some really good questions came to mind. There is a lot of talk about attachment being a negative thing in a relationship…that if we are attached it is unhealthy. But what about if we are detached from the emotions that we feel? Can't that be just as unhealthy?

Definitions (from Biology Online)

Attachment: The act of attaching, or state of being attached; close adherence or affection; fidelity; regard; a passion of affection that binds a person; as, an attachment to a friend, or to a party.

Detachment: a voluntary or involuntary feeling or emotion that accompanies a sense of separation from normal associations or environment.

My Views and Realizations

When we are first created we are attached to our mother physically. We experience deep attachment that gifts us with our first experiences of love, and also relates to our survival on this planet. A mother naturally is attached to her child, her body produces hormones and she is a source of care and nurturing that allows that child to survive. At some point our children must grow up and journey out on their own. That is when this attachment becomes painful; the first day of college, moving away from home, or getting married, these are experiences that many parents grieve.

In our adult relationships there is also a natural attachment, a bonding that occurs so that family can be created. It also involves hormones and chemical reactions in the body that make us feel one with another person. We feel empty without them, we think about them often, we want to be around them all the time. There is nothing wrong with this natural reaction to being in love and partnership with someone. What is a concern for many couples is losing themselves in the other, in becoming so attached that they no longer have freedom. How do we balance natural attachment with freedom? How do we avoid co-dependency with our partner(s)?

Many spiritual traditions equate attachment with slavery. They say that if you are attached to someone you are setting yourself up for pain, suffering and disappointment. So the practice of detachment is introduced. Practicing detachment can be beneficial in certain cases. Detachment can help us cope with relationships ending or death of a loved one. But at the same time, being detached from our emotions or from relationships with other is a sign of personality disorder and emotional armoring.

Why are we all afraid of pain? Why do we try to avoid it at all costs? Is it better to have loved whole heartedly with passion than to be detached and not get hurt at all? Is there a balance between the two that can be practiced consciously?

As I pondered these questions for myself I realized that perhaps there needs to be a middle ground. A place where we are free to feel attachment with another person, but to also realize that the intense feelings that we feel will change, that our relationship with the person may change and that all of that is okay. So, in truth it is not the attachment to the person that creates pain, it is the attachment to our expectations that we hold about our relationship with that person. Perhaps if we treat our relationships like innocent children that will one day want to leave home, we love them and care for them with our whole hearts, fully knowing that they never belong to us in the first place. If we expect our partner to stay with us forever, to act the way we want them to act, to create the dreams we dreamed together, and we are attached to those expectations we get hurt.

Many people today are practicing NON-ATTACHMENT. Perhaps this is a more balance approach than completely detaching. I see where non-attachment can help us to lead more balanced lives filled with freedom. I am currently practicing non-attachment in relationship to many things, especially in the material world. Traveling is also a way to practice non-attachment. But in relationships this practice can be challenging. How do we love with our whole hearts and still practice non-attachment? Again, I think it comes down to practicing non-attachment to our expectations about our relationship. It is natural to be attached to someone we love...just watch out for your expectations in the relationship.

10 Steps to Happiness

In my sessions I often ask people what it is that they really want in their lives? Most start with things like money, a partner, a new job or car. Eventually, we get to what people really want which is either to be loved and to love to or to feel and experience happiness in their lives. We all want to be happy. This month I am taking 10 steps towards leading a happier life. I have set up the following program for myself and I invite you to join me in this exploration. ..

Step one- Allowing the Shadow

A teacher once told me "What you resist persists". I truly believe that the more we try to push the ugly, dark parts of ourselves away the more they will persist in our life. I am now inviting all of the things that I consider negative about myself to be seen and brought to the light in order that they may be loved to. When you allow yourself to feel sad or lonely or depressed in their full capacity something interesting happens; those feeling lose their charge or power over you. Try this practice. Sit, with your eyes closed and allow yourself to witness fully your negative emotions, go deep into the pain or sadness, just watch and bring awareness to these dark places and breathe into them. Do not try to push them away. By bringing awareness we can transform the shadow and bring conscious love into this place of darkness.

Step two- Loving Yourself

How can we be happy if we do not fully love ourselves? Part of loving ourselves is loving the Shadow as we talked about in step one, but it also goes beyond that into caring deeply for our own well being. We all want to be loved and to have the opportunity to love. That is something that makes us happy human beings. But we have to begin with the practice of loving ourselves. A great exercise for me has been to sit down and make a list of all the things that I love about myself and then to make a list of the areas where I do not fully love myself. This helps to bring awareness to the parts of me that I am not accepting and gives me the opportunity to choose to accept those parts of me.

Step three- Daily Discipline

"The amount of Discipline one has is directly proportional to the amount of joy…"- Babaji and the 18 Siddhas.

It is important that people have a daily practice of some kind. That practice could be yoga, tantra, meditation, dance, or practicing these 10 steps. Regardless of what your practice is it is important to discipline yourself to do it daily, but if you miss a day that you not beat yourself up about it. You can return to the practice the next day and move on. Besides a daily practice it is also important to begin to discipline your mind. You can start this by witnessing and bringing awareness to your thoughts throughout the day. We can discipline our bodies through our mind.

Step four- Generating Sexual Energy

Sexual Energy, as Tantricas and Taoists know, is the most powerful energy in the universe. It is the power of creation. When we learn how to use sexual energy to create a better life for ourselves we can bring bliss into everyday living. To generate more sexual energy is to generate more aliveness in our bodies. An easy and effective way to build more sexual arousal and thus energy is to do PC pumps. This is simply contracting and relaxing the muscles of the pelvic floor. You can do this practice throughout your day and no one knows you are doing it. Try it right now, squeeze the muscle around the anus deeper and deeper until the whole pelvic floor is contracted, then relax and repeat. This will create a pump which not only strengthens these muscles, but which also generate more sexual juice!

Step five- Transmuting Sexual Energy

Now that we have generated sexual energy it is important that we move the sexual energy through the rest of the body. Most people in our culture have no idea what to do with their sexual energy/arousal. We feel horny or filled with lust and so the only thing that we know to do is to have sex and get rid of that feeling. That is one option, but there are others. If you do not have a partner, or if intercourse is not an option for you at this time, you can transmute the energy through breath or by creating something (a painting or piece of music etc.). A great breathing technique that I often use is called the Transmutation Breath. Take a deep breath in drawing the sexual feelings up the spine and into your head, hold the breath and visual the sexual energy dancing in your head, take a sniff of air or swallow and then exhale and allow the energy to spread through the body. Another option for moving sexual energy is to actual enter into sexual activity either with yourself or your partner and then use the transmutation breath as you are approaching orgasm or ejaculation, do this at least three times before going over the edge! The practice of transmuting energy is very good for us. Studies have proven that when people get close to orgasm they produce the hormones that help us to feel happier. If you do this a number of times you are producing more and more feel good hormones in your body.

Step six-Feeding your Body, Mind and Soul with High Quality Nutrients

What are you currently feeding your body? What are you currently feeding your mind? What are you currently feeding your soul? These are good questions for us to ask ourselves. Over the next month I am going to feeding myself with the highest quality nutrients I can get. This means surrounding myself with amazing people, attending yoga and meditation classes, and putting the best food ever into my body.

Step seven-Creating your own Space

We all need a space that is our own; sometimes that looks like time alone, sometimes that is going out with friends, sometimes that is having your own room. It is important that we have a sanctuary to return to when we need to reflect or contemplate on our life situation. I have my healing room. This is a sacred space to me. I love to have fresh flowers, altar items, and beautiful colors fill my space. Here I can spend time alone in deep meditation. Some of you may not have a separate space in your home, but this space can also be created in nature or in a favorite church.

Step eight-Being Present

This step ties some of the previous steps together. If we are present we are aware of what is happening in our body, mind and soul. We are able to listen to the shadow and become aware of where we are not loving ourselves and others. When we are present and in the moment we are more conscious of others needs and our own. We can also be present to the thoughts that are creating our outside world. Many of us are using the Law of Attraction, but how many of us are really present to our thoughts and actions throughout the day that are creating out outside world? The practice of being fully present begins by simply watching your breath. See how long you can watch the flow of the breath in and out of your body. Notice if you drift off into thoughts, try not to judge yourself if you do, and bring yourself back to the breath.

Step Nine-LOVE Again

So often I hear people say that they feel that they do not deserve to be loved. I often wonder how so many people in our society believe that they are not worthy of love in their lives. Where did we begin to hate ourselves so much? Healing starts when we begin to fully love and accept ourselves. We have to stop beating ourselves up all the time, which eventually will stop us beating each other up all the time. When we stop judging ourselves, we stop judging each other. This practice is not always easy to do, especially when someone hurts us or we feel betrayed and broken. We have to be gentle with ourselves and others and return to love. We can receive love in so many ways. Pets are an amazing way to be loved, sometime family members can be a source of love, or our partners. The earth can also be a source of love. I like to lay down on the earth and feel love pouring into me as I pour back into her.

Step ten-Spirituality

Having a spiritual practice or experience brings many people great joy. This does not mean that you have to belong to certain religion or -ism. People find spirituality in many different ways. We have many different belief systems, it does not matter what you believe, it is the feeling of wellbeing that you experience. I find that spending time in nature and in prayer gives me a great feeling of wellbeing that comes from something greater than myself. You will have to find your own path of spirituality and practice what feels good to you.

Becoming your Best Lover

So I have decided to do an experiment on myself. I want to become the best lover that I can to myself. On April 1st I started an exploration into myself. An exploration about becoming completely self-sufficient. It is a journey into womanhood, femininity, new life and creative energy. I am making a commitment to myself to see myself as my lover, to see myself as in relationship with me. I am going to treat myself like I want to be treated. I want to go as deep into relationship with myself as I possibly can.

How much can I love myself?

How much can I honor and respect myself?

How much can I give and receive from myself?

I am one week into this exploration. I have been traveling all by myself. I have been cultivating sexual energy and it feels great! This week I manifested being well taken care of by a supportive group of people who are involved in the shooting of a new DVD and documentary that I am part of. I am excited to see what the coming weeks will bring. It seems that being in relationship with myself is bringing up a lot of great lessons. For example, how can I expect other people to treat me great if I can't treat myself great. I also saw how I don't let others give to me. I am great at giving, but I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to receiving.

Week Two (WOW)

I decided that one of the best ways to love myself is to practice extreme self care. This week I am caring for myself like I never have before. I am going deep into the role of the receiver. Last night I received a healing session from two goddesses. So much came out of this session. My intention was to let go of control and allow myself to receive a healing that would help me to release all the pain I have experienced recently. I screamed so deeply from somewhere ancient and primal. I thought at first that this was about anger at my lover, but soon realized it was about the rift between women. I wanted the Red Tent back, a place for us to come together and commune as sacred sisters. I saw the healing of competition between women and the crucifixion of the feminine that created this rift. I realized that I have been at war with my own sacred feminine.

I kept seeing that I need a conversation between my own inner masculine and inner feminine. This is to get more in touch with what is happening with the masculine and feminine within me, which is a reflection of the relationship of the masculine and feminine outside of myself. The following is my journal entry:

Feminine: Stop hurting me, stop betraying me, stop violating me. I am so angry at you for not protecting me. I am so angry at you for not honoring me. I am so angry at you for your lack of devotion.

Masculine: I feel that you are always trying to control me. I'm very afraid of your anger. I'm also afraid of your love. I don't know what to do. Please tell me what you need.

Feminine: I need you to support me. I need you to protect me from harm. I need you to be devoted to me. I need you to serve me. I need you to release your fear and love me with your whole heart.

Masculine: I am uncomfortable with devotion. I do not know how to give up my own need for control and power. I want so much to love you, hold you and devote myself to you. But I am afraid that I will lose myself in the merging. The loss of duality is scary, but at the same time I desire mystic union.

Feminine: How can I help you to find devotion? How can I help you to be fully in your masculine and overcome your fears? What do you need from me?

Masculine: I need you to set me free. I need you to show me devotion. Devote yourself to me, devote yourself to you. Be in your power. I too need to feel safe. Sometimes I feel so threatened by you. Please don't threaten me, show me devotion and freedom.

Feminine: Thank you. I can show you deep and intense devotion. I can be in service to you in your divinity; all masculine ego must drop. I am devoted to the divine masculine. What does freedom mean to you?

Masculine: I need to feel that you are not trying to control me in any way. I need to feel able to take the reigns and drive. How can I protect and serve you when you won't let me?

Feminine: I am afraid that if I give you freedom you will abandon me again. You will run away from me. You will only serve yourself.

Masculine: I need your help. I need you to show me, I need you to allow me to make mistakes and to be gentle with me. You cannot keep me from being where I want to be any more. At the same time I want to be utterly devoted to you.

Feminine: I will do everything in my power to help you. I gift you with freedom and I will help you when I feel abandoned. I will be gentle. I want to feel your devotion to me.

Masculine: I love you. Thank you for this communication. I am excited about learning and working with you.

Feminine: I love you too. Thank you for your devotion. I devote myself to you with my entire being.

Week Three (Can I go any deeper?!!?!?!?!)

The first day began with a journey deep into the sacred feminine. This journey created a theme for the week that has allowed me to do some deep healing and spiritual awakening. I traveled with a group of five women to a secluded hot spring deep in the high dessert. We hiked about three miles to a paradise deep in mother earth. There were about 6 hot springs in total and a beautiful creek winding through the mountains. All of these women are powerful priestesses. We all set intentions and went deep into shamanic journey. At about this time a group of drunk men showed up with a little girl. I am convinced that she was an angel, there to transmute the darkness in these men. They cursed and hollered...but she had led them to the springs for healing. I saw myself in that instant, a powerful little girl who came into the world to transmute the darkness of some men into the light. That is after all, the mission of the Dakini! The five of us were at the peak of our shamanic experience when night fell and we began the 3 mile hike out of the womb of the earth. We sang songs, and chanted as we made the climb up. I clearly got the message..."Put one foot in front of the other, and everything will be alright." We stopped at a peak where we could see the campfire of the men, and we all chanted OM as we sent that little girl all of the power of the high priestess. Tears streamed down my face, both with Joy and Sorrow. The five of us made it out of the desert transformed and awakened. I came out knowing how to trust that I am a high priestess, I am a goddess, I am the light, I am the Dakini, I am the Magdalene. So instead of taking me out to dinner...my masculine did something even greater...he protected me in the desert and told me not to fear. He allowed the priestess to step forward and gently supported her in her growth. That is much deeper than dinner.

From there my entire week has been about stepping into this role. I have had strange events happening, from people on the street stopping me to ask about my followers...to meeting exactly the right people who see me...to power surges in the space I am staying...to channelers telling me about my temple in California.

I played a game called Leela...I set an intention to receive clarity about my relationships. At first I had resistance to being born, and once born I was caught in the illusion of this lifetime, then I had envy, avariance, and anger to work out in my relationships. But as soon as I reached Purification it took me three roles to win the game at Cosmic Consciousness. I feel like I have been through my Purification these past few weeks. I have been practicing celibacy and cultivating my own sexual energy. I have been eating very pure foods, dancing and I have been receiving plenty of healing. The next step is selfless service and spiritual devotion to my beloveds. This next week I will be integrating myself back into relationship with both of them.

Another amazing experience that I have had this week is a special healing meditation that I attended. There is a healer in the small town I am staying in who is doing John of God's work. It is a three hour sitting meditation for healers and light workers to receive healing from something greater than themselves. The energy in the first room was so palpable. After being anointed by him I went into a deep altered state. I received information about a completely new form of healing based on the sacred feminine. A lot happened, so I will touch on a few highlights that are pertinent to my relationship with myself. My intention going in was to clear and heal anything that is holding me back in one of my specific relationships. My jugular was sliced open by these spirits...all of my blood drained from my body and my veins were filled with Mary Magdalene's breath. From there I was shown an incident where pain between myself and my partner began. It was rather profound. I saw myself as a high priestess. I asked the spiritual guides how I am supposed to be human when I am a priestess. They told me that I wasn't human...that I am an evolution called Homonoeticus (whatever that means). They downloaded me with so much information and so much prophecy. It was really out there for me, but I experienced it, so for me it is truth. At one point I was blinded by white light and completely overcome with what is ahead of me.

Week Four (Integration)

The questions that come up for me this week are about integrating all that I have experienced in relationship with myself into my relationships with my beloveds and the world.

A big key for me has been about service and devotion to the God/Goddess Divinity within us all. I must put myself into selfless service and spiritual devotion to the divine. It is about letting go. Take a breath, Let is out...it is that simple.

Another key for me is about bringing women together. It is time for us to bring back out sacred ceremonies, to be in community with one another and to bring balance to our imbalance state of the world. It is time for the sacred feminine to be in her power, but to also be in selfless service to the divine masculine in all of us.

So, as I flew on a plane back to the two relationships in my life which are most significant, I played in my mind the ceremony of devotion and service that I would perform for these two men. It was a ceremony shown to me in the John of God meditation earlier in the week. I knew that it was necessary for healing to occur between us. Last night I put it all together. I dressed all in white. The rose petals from my hair that were part of my healing with the Goddesses, the stones from the beach, the sacred sage I picked off the mountains in Ojai, the song that played during my vision in the meditation. And the directions on the door that said "take 3 deep breaths, set the intention to have an open heart, set an intention in relationship to me, feel the emotions, knock 3 times. When the knock came my heart fluttered in anticipation. The music began to play "Take my breath in your hands...I surrender." I anointed them when they came through the door. They sat facing me, gazing into my eyes. All three of us began to weep. And we wept and wept. I bowed before them, wiped my tears in their hands as I kissed their palms. I saw the divine beloved and I went into complete service to that divinity within them. The next song was "Blessed are we, the arms of God are all around us." I got between them, one facing me the other behind me. All our arms around each other. I never experienced three people crying so hard, at both joy and sorrow. We shared some gifts and continued in ceremony with each other...me as a priestess in total devotion to them. It was very healing for the masculine to experience this surrender from the feminine...it allowed both of men to go to places they had never been before. When we made love it came from a totally different place. It came from open hearts, joy and reunion with the beloved. It came from a sacred well of laughter, tears and overflowing love. Deep and intense, this love making was truly divine and sacred union.

For me it was a gift to myself to allow myself to be in total surrender, to allow myself to be taken both by spirit and by the divine masculine force. A healing occurred that brings floods of tears to my eyes as a write this.

I cannot stress the importance of self development, consciousness and healing. I cannot stress the importance of women's community...and also men being in community with each other. I cannot stress the importance of selfless service and devotion to something greater than ourselves. I cannot stress the importance of ritual and ceremony returning to our culture and relationships. I cannot stress the importance of balance between the masculine and feminine for the healing of our planet.

May my experience guide you, be a model for you, and shift something within you to allow growth, transformation and conscious romance to flourish in your life.

In total devotion and service to the world.

Dakini Jaiya